When I met me first, I wept and wept.
The incredible joy of the immense, the unbelievable rush of nothingness!
What follows is my direct experience. And what could follow is yours. It’s five past three in the morning. This quite fills in me an indescribable sweetness, that you don’t want the world to wake up and come to you.
I sat immersed in the softness of silence. This is the first step. Just be aware. The drifting slowly stops. You grow calm and are aware of the sounds, of the dark beneath your closed eyes, of your soft breathing sound, of you. Then, I looked consciously at this awareness. The crucial step. Then it’s a snap. Thoughts just vanish. It’s all of a sudden. You are aware of your awareness. You’re in an expanse of silence. You wonder if you had so much space inside you.
Awareness watching awareness meditation* is quite a free fall.
It wasn’t the space that was widening, it was the awareness. Who was this I but the awareness itself! Wide as a sea, deep as life, the serenity itself could make you oblivious of everything. That’s the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had. Why was it beautiful? Because I was free of thoughts. There was no more mind. I was free of body. I was free of mind. I was the Self! When you meet the real You for the first time, I say, you’ll fall on your knees and weep in joy..
Was it an experience? No. I was simply nothingness. The relief that I could be nothing, that I could not be this ‘me’, was the most beautiful expression I could die in. Yes, dying becomes a beautiful word here. Death of this skeletal, muscular, neuro, body of impressions of judgements and thoughts called by a name—that was dead. Instead, I was mere stillness.
When I met awareness first, I wept and wept that I could not help but laugh out in the end. For, I never knew the ‘kingdom of God’ was actually, truly, palpably, really, within. Actually, the statement stands corrected.
Kingdom of God wasn’t in me.
The kingdom was me. Is me.